You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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