please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
