dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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