i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
