My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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