she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
