I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
