i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
