textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
