I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
