My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The Olympian is in my bed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You ruined the universe
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
