When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
