hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
