I will die if light touches me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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