i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
