I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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