I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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