There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
