Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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