You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I love you.
Bad choice
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