I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
