Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
