what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
