Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
