Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
