There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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