How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
