rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
