I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
