My nipple is on Facebook.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
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There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.