I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.