if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.