mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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