If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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