one might say we're banned from that church
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
