I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
