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he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
