i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
