im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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