I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
