there's paper in my vomit.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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