I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
