You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
