I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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