I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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