i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Houston, we have a blender
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
