it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
