life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
