Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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