Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
