video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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