My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
