I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
