I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
