found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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