Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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