That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
